she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
