I need to stop coming to work sober
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
