she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
