I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize