I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
