dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
