I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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