the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
