I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just found puke in my bra..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
