this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
