i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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