you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
