I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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