Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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