people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
