So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
