The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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