Who wears a wallet chain?!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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