I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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