Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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