I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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