I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize