Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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