508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
