my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
