We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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