naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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