You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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