I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
