I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
