Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
