So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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