That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
