Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
