You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
