it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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