Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize