You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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