there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
