he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
