On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
