What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
