how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I love you.
Bad choice
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
