Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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