i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize