My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
don't judge my taste in strippers
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
