the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
