So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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