Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
