Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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