If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
