Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My bed smells like the plague
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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