Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
