pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
