I showed him my bush... on skype.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
