allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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