If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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