You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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