Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
