I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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