He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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